Tribute to Dr. James Dobson on his Passing

 I was a confused and terrified parent.

 

Having raised me on a mix of Dr. Spock and “Pavlov’s dog” philosophies, my own mother’s form of discipline had been to ineffectively chase me around with a yardstick when I misbehaved, and father’s was to demand, “When I say jump, you say ‘how high!’” 

 

My first child was a toddler when I heard Dr. James Dobson’s “Focus on the Family” program on the radio.  I couldn’t get enough.  A beacon of hope!  A voice of reason and guidance.  I was a committed Christian and needed biblical parenting counsel.  It is not overstating to say that "Focus on the Family" and its resources were a fountain of life to me in all the years when I was raising four children.  The balance of love and discipline.  The effective, non-abusive application of corporal punishment. The principle of taming the will without wounding the spirit of the child.  And so many other lessons and encouragements guided me through the parenting years as I read books and listened to radio broadcasts.

 

Several years ago I wrote a letter to Dr. Dobson, telling him how much his ministry had changed my life and set a course for my family.  I will be forever grateful. (And my grown children would thank him too, if they had any idea what their lives would have been like without him!)

It's Nobody's Fault! -- thoughts on aging

Are you caring for an aging parent?  Perhaps you did care for them and now they have passed away.  There are many lessons to be gleaned through such a gargantuan task.  If you are currently involved in this task, you are likely too busy to read this!  If so, just read the four headings. J

This morning my thoughts turned to the last seven years of my mother’s life, those years of caring for my mother – how she changed, and how I changed as I helped her and walked with her through that tumultuous time.  My insights crystallized into four statements about the changes and difficulties of aging and dying:

1)       It’s no one’s fault. 

As I helped Mom with the normal everyday tasks such as cooking, cleaning, paying bills, and as we had to face monumental changes together – moving, leaving things and people behind, giving stuff away, switching the parent-child role – she would get angry a lot.  And she was angry at me.  I comforted myself and felt “guided” through all this by clinging to the thought, “These difficulties, sadnesses, and griefs are because of aging, and it’s no one’s fault.”

2)      You can’t fix it.

My default mode is fixing things and making them better.  The changes of aging can’t be fixed.  They can only be endured and lived through together.  It was a radically different kind of living for me – to make gargantuan efforts without being able to “fix” Mom, or fix her life for her, or make all this go away.  It was valuable to experience this in a “head on” sort of way, because, truth be told, there are lots of things I had been trying to fix in my life that were not in my power to fix.

3)      It’s not going to have a happy ending.

Watching someone age, and knowing that someday they are going to die, is the ultimate downer.  The thought could have presented itself, “If it’s not going to have a happy ending, why try?”  Most people are tempted to quit when the obstacles are too high and the outcome is anything but assured.  In fact, it is downright heroic and even mystifying when someone presses on in the face of unbeatable odds.  In To Kill a Mockingbird, when Atticus tells Scout that defending Tom is something he has to do even though he probably won’t win, I am admiring yet confused.  But now that I have gone through it myself, I understand -- there are a few things in this life that are worthy in themselves, regardless of “success."

4)      It’s all going to be OK.

It’s not really explainable, but love makes it all OK.  Love, and God, and eternity.  Knowing that I had given my all for Mom, that I had truly loved her as a daughter should, gave me a sense of rightness and completeness that nothing else in my life has done (other than raising my children).  And that love has an “outside of this world” component.  There was a sense of God walking with us.  This made it far better for me than if I had walked with her toward death and knew there was nothing else.  That would have been senseless, purposeless.  But with God, everything, even aging and death, seemed to have purpose – even if that purpose didn’t fit into my puny brain at the moment.  After she passed away, I was laid low with heavy grief for a while, but I glimpsed her life in that Great Beyond, and I knew she was now OK and happy --- more complete and happy than she ever was or ever could have been in this fallen world.  Amen!  

“All will be well, all will be well, all manner of things will be well.”

QUICK! Think of one TEACHER who influenced you!

“Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach,” is the mocking epithet of our culture. 

Despite this, I know who I am and I practice the profession on purpose. 

This school year I am not teaching.  A teacher who is not teaching would be somewhat of a contradiction, were it not for a long and credible tradition among academics that occasionally teachers take a sabbatical. Sabbatical is a time of rest and refreshment.

Those outside the profession may scoff.  “But you only work nine months a year!”

Ha.

“Teachers influence eternity.”  That is the true dictum.

Quick!  Think of one teacher who influenced you.  Bet you remember their name.  And their clothing!  What about that one saying they kept repeating. That one book they read to the class.

Here are a few of my favorites:

-- Mr. Ballentine, our elementary principal, was the “daddy” who walked the hallways and playground. My own daddy was not at home, so he was the “daddy” of the school.

-- Mrs. Brown, fourth grade, dressed in brown.  She read The Secret Language to the class and I made up my own language – an unfortunate social experiment!.

-- Mrs. Livingstone was the only teacher who visited my home, thereby piercing my family’s isolation.  She had a poofy brown “That Girl!” hairdo, and sported black, “batting length” eyelashes.

-- Ms. Sundberg, Latin, taught me: “Ubi in dubitate, fac magis” – “When in doubt, do more” – a very useful phrase for both parents and teachers! 

Ms. Sundberg also wore two-piece suits that were two sizes too small, and repeatedly tugged her top down over her midriff while conjugating Latin verbs!  That mental aberration has remained along with the Latin verbs!

-- Mrs. Grosh was a short, enthusiastic lady who assigned a sophomore-year literature paper, consequently sparking my love of literature, my college major and my choice of career. 

  Who cares?!

They did.  And in caring they spent inordinate amounts of energy every single day -- in planning -- in grading -- in dealing with maddening administrators. In having the guts to stand in front of thirty kids hour after hour and share themselves.

I meant to say share themselves, because that is what they did.  We got a real person and not a talking head.

I know, because I now stand and pour myself out every day that I teach.  When I come home I feel like a rag doll – limp and lifeless.  I do all I can to recharge myself – and then I get up the next day and do it again!

It’s a passion!!

But no wonder that nine years of this -- despite holiday breaks, summers, etc.—has depleted me down to the core.  Eventually, I did not want to get up the next day and do it again.  Ever.  When you do not want to do what you love, it is time for a change.

Burnout is ugly but can be healed.

Teachers MUST be healed – and encouraged and recharged and replenished.  If our culture and our teaching systems won’t do it for us, then we must do it for ourselves. 

THINK what your life would be like without those teachers you named!

So for now, I do all I can to recharge myself. 

I’ll be back.

WHAT’S THE CATCH??

The Bible sometimes offers rewards with a catch.

Blessed is the woman* who fears the LORD,

            Who finds great delight in his commands.

Her children will be mighty in the land,

            The generation of the upright will be blessed.

                                                            Psalm 112: 1-2                      

      Here is a reward with a catch.  We get to be blessed if we obey. Not only if we obey, but if we like to obey.  Well, that rules me out!  How about you.  Next, there is a blessing for my children, which also has a condition.  If I am doing right in my life, then they will be great in reputation and accomplishment.  Wow—scary.

      But wait; maybe I’ve read it wrong.  Let me try again. Let’s see, the first condition is that I “fear the LORD,” which means that I don’t want to find out what will happen if I don’t obey!  Check.  Second condition is that I “find great delight” in his commands.  The operative word here is “find.”  First I have to DO and then I EXPERIENCE.  That’s when I FIND.  Oh, well that is easier.  Now, let me think back.

      When I was a teenager I never wanted to obey.  The idea of obedience was counterproductive to my strong inclinations, and even to my growth into the person I wanted to become.  Let me give you an example.  When I was 15, my mom told me I could not go to youth group; I had too much homework and I had to do the dishes.  She told me I could not fast; I was still growing and besides I was probably in a cult to have such an idea!  But I HAD to go to youth group.  Youth group was my life – both socially and spiritually.  Conclusion: obedience was bad for my health.

      Then, having gone to youth group one night, I learned from the leaders that obedience to my parents was in the Bible.  Oh no!  Now I had a dilemma.  I went home and told my mom that I had not respected her and that I would from then on do what she said.  I’ll never forget—my single-parent, overburdened mom stood in the doorway, with silent tears running down her cheeks.  She then said I could go to youth group again after I did the dishes.  Conclusion: when I obeyed God, I did FIND a blessing I hadn’t expected – RELATIONSHIP with my mom.  I also gained permission to do the heartfelt things that would aid my spiritual growth—for I’m sure my words and actions spoke most persuasively to my mom that I was not involved in a cult.

      I have continued to experience the blessings of obedience in my life, even though the commands have gotten steeper.  FORGIVE those who persecute you.  RELEASE those you love the most. LEAN on God, rather than on your own efforts, for financial provision.

      What did I FIND that I can share with you—I HAVE REWARDS!

[*Scripture verse from the NIV reads: man]

I’M CELEBRATING TODAY!!

My mother chose life …  and I’m glad I was born.

My mother almost didn’t deliver me.  I almost didn’t make it into this world.  There was too much against her.  She had started to miscarry numerous times, and endured several trips to the emergency room, and various uncomfortable procedures.  From early in her pregnancy she was on bed rest, and couldn’t even stand up long enough to  wash the dishes.  Her husband, my father, was not very understanding and supportive, and tended to think of such behavior as laziness and an inconvenience to him.

   The worst of it, however, was the attitude of the medical profession at the time.  [To the beloved medical professionals in my family—I love you!  This is not an aslant criticism of what you stand for—you know who you are!]  They told my mother that her inability to carry me to term was evidence that I was malformed in the womb and that nature was trying to do her a favor by sloughing me off.  The term they used for me was that I was a “little monster.”  If abortion had been legal, they would have been within their professional rights, in fact it would have been a professional duty, to suggest an abortion.

   MY mother was hearing none of that.  To her I was a precious gift, sent by God, and she was going to fight for me with every ounce of strength within her being.  And the medical professionals had better get on board with that, and her husband better get on board with that, because THAT’S THE WAY IT WAS GOING TO BE!  My mother chose life.  And that is why I am writing this to you today. 

   That is why I am alive.  That is why I have four children.  That is why their two lovely spouses have excellent partners.  That is why there are two lovely babies, Violet and Noah, who are gracing our world and growing up to make it better.  That is why there are two more babies-in-waiting in the wombs of their mothers (my daughter and daughter-in-law) who will grow up to love God and teach others to do the same.

   My mother chose life.  She chose ME. She chose the way of love and sacrifice.  I am glad I was born.