Beepers, bells, buzzers … and bad news.

Every time I turn around anymore a buzzer is going off. I was reclining in my leather rocker under my soft “wish I was back in bed” blanket – smelling the coffee perking – when 5 electronic “beeps” announced its completion. Broke the mood entirely.

I get into my new car and, if I’m not quick enough with the seat belt, am warned with annoying buzzes that I better click it or pay the consequence with sound pollution.

I am glad to have a burglar alarm system in my home, but every time I let out the cat I end up running for the alarm panel, enduring screeches of increasing decibels while trying to punch in the code!

Have you ever known a buzzer that brought good news? Have you ever heard a beeper that made you happy? I think not. They are designed to be aggravating – to interrupt the flow of conversation or activity – to get our attention in a demanding way – to warn us of negative consequences.

There have been many attempts to soften the “blow” [pun intended]. Alex Trebec plays that now-familiar little ditty to warn his contestants when time is up. You can purchase tunes that will play on your cell phone in lieu of ringing. But try as we might to mask them, all those buzzes beeps bells and bongs are about as welcome as that giant gong on “The Gong Show” – bad news.

[Someone is going to contradict and tell me, “I love when my cell phone rings!” First, you’re probably under 25, and second, your phone is not an interruption because it’s your life!]

Now, I know we need some of them – and once-in-a-while they even bring good news – but why am I beginning to feel like Pavlov’s dog?! If I can’t remember to pour my coffee, put on my seat belt and take my clothes out of the dryer for my own benefit, then I do have about the intelligence of the animal kingdom. Wait a sec – while I scratch behind my ear …

I’m just sayin’!

Of course, we all know the proliferation of buzzers has sometimes gone beyond the inconvenient to invade the inappropriate. Ever been in silent prayer at church when someone’s pager went off? How about in the midst of a tense negotiation with your boss?

My favorite line of all time on this topic is in The Devil Wears Prada – Andi and her boyfriend are deciding the fate of their relationship when Andi’s boss rings her cell phone – and she takes the call! Decision made. His classic response is: “The person you’re in relationship with is the person whose calls you always take.”

Who are you in relationship with? Think about it.

Meanwhile – would someone please turn off the dryer . . . I’m going to go pour my coffee.

Things are calling to me … hehe!

Are you lost --- in Wal-Mart?

There’s a book about a girl who lived in Wal-Mart. In fact she had a baby in Wal-Mart! They made it into a movie. I wonder what other creepy things happen in Wal-Mart, under the full, blazing light of florescent day.

Nothing could happen in there, you say? No one could get lost, because it’s too bright?

Well, I still say I get lost in Wal-Mart.

Here’s my story. Last week I went in with the intention of just picking up my prescription. But once I stepped through that self-sliding double door and passed the smiling senior-citizen offering free shopping carts, I was ushered into a world filled with sights, sounds, and smells that sent my sense-detection system reeling.

I am not lost because I have too little sensory information to find my way – but because I have too much.

Ah-hah! Bet you didn’t think of that – that I could be as blinded by too much light, as by too little.

So back to my story. I’ve walked 4 steps when I’m aware I just passed the eyeglasses alcove on my left, and I am doing an almost-subconscious mental check to remember if there is anything I need there. At 6 steps, I see the beautiful bouquets of attractively-displayed flowers dead ahead, which makes me want to buy some – for a friend, of course. Whose birthday is this week?

By the time I’ve almost safely reached the turn to the right which will take me to my destination at the Prescription Counter, I’ve already evaluated and resisted my need for eyeglass supplies and flowers, as well as a host of conveniently-placed, easily-grasped low-cost household items. I don’t know it yet, but only 9 seconds in and I am dangerously near my peak of resistance—and I still have 3 aisles, 3 with end-caps, and 2 mid-aisle displays to negotiate!

By this time my sanity must be deranged – things are calling to me! Reading glasses: “Pick me up, you broke yours this week!” Power drinks: “Buy me, you know I’m healthier than those sodas you drink on the run!” From somewhere within comes the strength to keep on walking, but I then make a tactical error.

The Health Supplements Aisle has redirected my cart, almost without my conscious consent (is that possible?) past the vitamins where I grab some B-100’s for energy to overcome a recent feeling of malaise. Encouraged by my bold gesture of: one--taking a detour (now what am I in here for?!) and two--dropping something into the cart—the next purchases leap in quickly.

Airborne vitamin supplement (it was created by a teacher, for heaven sake – must be good). Gummie C (at least I’ll enjoy eating these—just like candy).

I have at last arrived at the red-line-on-the-floor behind which I must wait while other customers pick up their prescriptions. I look around. I’m strangely tired from my shopping trip (which has now lasted about 45 seconds) and I’m bored. I look to my left: Bunion pads are talking to me (I’m not that OLD!). I look to my right: Laxatives are trying to talk to me (and I’m trying not to listen!)

HELP!! I’m lost in Wal-Mart. Will somebody show me the door!!

uh-oh,
I forgot my point in posting this.
I did have a point.
I'll get back to you,
as soon as I find the door...