LEARNING TO BE IMPERFRECT

Growing up in a 60s dysfunctional family, people tended to cope by passing blame.

“Pass the potatoes, please.”

“OK.  Pass the pork chops, dear.”

“Here’s a little guilt to go along.”

“Thank you.”

It was because we didn’t know any better.  After all, it was the generation of “if it feels good, do it,” and getting rid of that nasty sinking feeling that you were wrong, sure felt good.

We were all masters of blame-bombing, shame shifting, and guilt-gashing.  Well, everybody knows that the best defense is a good offense, right!

“Did you brush your teeth today?”

“No, I couldn’t because you didn’t buy us any toothpaste.”

Ouch.

Or the more subtle attack-before-attacked: “Dad, when will the car be fixed so I can take back my overdue library books?”

There is no end to the variety of creative approaches.

In this environment, the only protection you have, unless you are going to decimate everyone with your barbs all day, is to be perfect.  Yes, perfect.  If you intend to be perfect, appear to be perfect, try hard to be perfect, and even pretend to be perfect then you’re impervious to the slings and arrows of outrageous guilt-casting around you.

It’s a pretty good defense, as long as you don’t mind living in unreality.

And unreality is a pretty close cousin to insanity as a lifestyle. In fact, there’s even a psychological name for this particular maladjustment:  perfectionism.

“Why,” you say, “I thought everyone was supposed to strive to be perfect.’

Well, I just have one thing to say about that.  That’s just fine advice for all those imperfect people out there who don’t really care a lot.  They can benefit from encouragement in the right direction.  But for the true perfectionist, all such exhortation backfires.  We are perverse.  Burdened with a long list of “To Dos,” and all the “Shoulds” and “Oughts’ continually whirling through the brain, one well-meant nudge can send us right over the edge.

There’s only one cure for the perversity of the Perfectionist – reverse psychology.  So, all you perfectionists out there, listen up!  “I WANT YOU TO LIVE AN IMPERFECT DAY! Get up out of your imperfect bed and fix an imperfect breakfast for your imperfect children.  After that, be sure to do all your housework imperfectly, go to your imperfect job, work for your imperfect boss, and come home tonight to your imperfect husband.”

I’m not the only one to come up with this idea.  The pastor’s wife at a former church of mine once said to me, “Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.”  This is total nonsense to the normal person, but we perfectionists understand it—perfectly.

So, instead of sitting home tonight being depressed about how overwhelming my life is because I’m not perfect, I’m trying a different approach.

I’m taking my own advice.  I just took a walk of less than 30 minutes and didn’t get my cardio rate up high enough.  I was followed by my scruffy little 4 pound dog, through a slightly shabby neighborhood, and returned to a home that’s over 30 years old and needs repair.  I fixed my marginally nutritious chicken dinner and sat down to write this half-baked article.  And I’m having the time of my life!!!  It’s working!